{"id":3099,"date":"2024-09-08T19:23:55","date_gmt":"2024-09-08T19:23:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/angelvigour.com\/?p=3099"},"modified":"2024-09-08T19:24:09","modified_gmt":"2024-09-08T19:24:09","slug":"finding-hope-after-cousins-suicide-tragedy-inspired-fighting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/angelvigour.com\/?p=3099","title":{"rendered":"Finding Hope After My Cousin\u2019s Suicide: How Tragedy Inspired Me to Keep Fighting"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This is going to be the hardest thing to talk about because I\u2019ve never completely shared it like this before, and I\u2019ve never put it into writing. But here it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"woman
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

In September 2010, I lost my first cousin, someone who was more like a younger sister to me. It was the kind of loss that you never see coming, one that shakes you to the core and leaves you questioning everything. Her death hit me hard, and I wasn\u2019t prepared for the wave of grief that followed. At first, it was just sadness, an emptiness that lingered every day, but then it evolved into something deeper, more complex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I miss her so much. There are days when the ache of not having her here feels unbearable, and all I want is to hug her one more time. I would give anything to hear her laugh again or to tell her how much she meant to me.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"woman
Photo by Joyce Dias on Pexels.com<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

I\u2019ve struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager, and self-harm became a way to cope with the pain I couldn\u2019t express in words. So, when she took her own life, it brought a different kind of pain\u2014one that went far beyond my own struggles. It felt like the person I shared so much with, the one who could\u2019ve understood me the most, was gone forever, and I couldn\u2019t help her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were times when I felt angry\u2014angry at her for taking her life, for leaving us all behind. I would ask myself why she did it and wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop it. That anger soon turned into guilt. I felt guilty for not being able to save her, for not recognizing the signs, for not doing more. It was a constant tug-of-war inside me, swinging between anger and guilt, and neither gave me any peace.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"photo
Photo by Andre Moura on Pexels.com<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Depression crept in, stronger than ever before. I\u2019ve struggled with it for a long time, but after losing her, it felt unbearable. The thoughts of not wanting to be here became louder, more frequent. I can\u2019t lie\u2014I\u2019ve had moments in the past when I thought about suicide myself. But after losing her to it, something shifted. Seeing how her death affected the family, how it tore through the lives of those who loved her, made me realize that I couldn\u2019t do the same. I couldn\u2019t leave that same kind of pain behind for others to carry.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"four
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Looking back now, I\u2019m grateful that my own attempts weren\u2019t successful. I\u2019m here, and being here means I get to talk about it. I get to tell others that no matter how dark things seem, there is always a reason to keep going. I get to be a voice for those who are struggling, and I can say with honesty that life is worth fighting for, even when it feels impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If there\u2019s anything I\u2019ve learned from losing her, it\u2019s that we can\u2019t always save others, but we can save ourselves. And by doing that, by choosing to stay, we can help others see that they can make it through too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is going to be the hardest thing to talk about because I\u2019ve never completely shared it like this before, and I\u2019ve never put it into writing. But here it goes. In September 2010, I lost my first cousin, someone who was more like a younger sister to me. It was the kind of loss that you never see coming, one that shakes you to the core and leaves you questioning everything. Her death hit me hard, and I wasn\u2019t prepared for the wave of grief that followed. At first, it was just sadness, an emptiness that lingered every day, but then it evolved into something deeper, more complex. I miss her so much. There are days when the ache of not having her here feels unbearable, and all I want is to hug her one more time. I would give anything to hear her laugh again or to tell her how much she meant to me. I\u2019ve struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager, and self-harm became a way to cope with the pain I couldn\u2019t express in words. So, when she took her own life, it brought a different kind of pain\u2014one that went far beyond my own struggles. It felt like the person I shared so much with, the one who could\u2019ve understood me the most, was gone forever, and I couldn\u2019t help her. There were times when I felt angry\u2014angry at her for taking her life, for leaving us all behind. I would ask myself why she did it and wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop it. That anger soon turned into guilt. I felt guilty for not being able to save her, for not recognizing the signs, for not doing more. It was a constant tug-of-war inside me, swinging between anger and guilt, and neither gave me any peace. Depression crept in, stronger than ever before. I\u2019ve struggled with it for a long time, but after losing her, it felt unbearable. The thoughts of not wanting to be here became louder, more frequent. I can\u2019t lie\u2014I\u2019ve had moments in the past when I thought about suicide myself. But after losing her to it, something shifted. Seeing how her death affected the family, how it tore through the lives of those who loved her, made me realize that I couldn\u2019t do the same. I couldn\u2019t leave that same kind of pain behind for others to carry. Looking back now, I\u2019m grateful that my own attempts weren\u2019t successful. I\u2019m here, and being here means I get to talk about it. I get to tell others that no matter how dark things seem, there is always a reason to keep going. I get to be a voice for those who are struggling, and I can say with honesty that life is worth fighting for, even when it feels impossible. If there\u2019s anything I\u2019ve learned from losing her, it\u2019s that we can\u2019t always save others, but we can save ourselves. And by doing that, by choosing to stay, we can help others see that they can make it through too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3107,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_wp_convertkit_post_meta":{"form":"-1","landing_page":"0","tag":"0","restrict_content":"0"},"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[48,49,52,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3099","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-riding-the-waves-navigating-bipolar-disorder-in-everyday-life","category-real-talk-living-with-borderline-personality-disorder","category-navigating-ptsd-together","category-self-improvement-journey"],"yoast_head":"\nFinding Hope After My Cousin\u2019s Suicide: How Tragedy Inspired Me to Keep Fighting - Angel Vigour<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"After losing my cousin to suicide, I found hope and strength. 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