About me
I was trying to survive:
For most of my entire life, I have struggled tremendously with my mental illness and hormone imbalance. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), PMDD, Depression, Endometriosis, and had Borderline Personality Disorder (‘had’ because I am no longer having the symptoms and I’m in recovery). It was hard to receive any type of treatment because I needed to be treated not only for my mental illness but my hormone imbalance as well.
My former psychiatrist focused on treating my BD and ignoring all other factors such as hormone imbalance which made it very difficult. My vision was fogged by fear, anxiety, depression, pain, traumas, heartaches, broken relationships, obsessive thoughts, disturbed self-image, and self-hate. I didn’t have the tools to understand my disorders to be able to distinguish between their symptoms. They are different disorders but can overlap each other. Let us not forget the PMDD and Endometriosis pain. The constant physical pain from the endometriosis and irregularities.
I spent most of my life surviving.
For most of my life, I reacted emotionally, not rationalizing any decision or situation. I was constantly running on the overdrive of an emotional roller-coaster and just couldn’t process any thought or situation without using emotions to make any rational decision. It appeared as if something just kept happening to me, that no stability or calmness. It felt one storm after another, not even a moment to breathe or even see a rainbow. I submitted to that mindset because it was the only thing I knew how to do. I stayed in the storm and did not make any move because I was so scared. So scared of change and how it would make me feel. I never thought that I was purposely trapping myself in my misery, not willing to walk out of the box to find any change. The most crippling feeling and the only feeling that keeps you from living the life you want is Fear.
Fear paralyzed me and made me believe that I was nothing. I was no one and that I didn’t deserve any good. I was unable to reach my goals in education, was always dropping out of classes. My mind couldn’t retain any information and was always distracted unable to focus. I went through unstable and abusive relationships because I believed that’s what I deserved. Was unable to keep a job for a long time, I was unable to maintain a positive relationship with my coworkers and when work got harder, I blamed my managers for putting too much pressure on me.
Even though I was finally able to have my endometriosis pain under control by taking prescriptions; I couldn’t cope with stress, was constantly in panic mode, waiting for something negative to happen. Not realizing that those behaviors and thoughts are the problems, not people or life. I picked the wrong people to be around and didn’t respond rationally to problems. I carried nothing but anger and fear, walking a thin rope, waiting for something to push me back down because all I knew were those ups and downs. There was no growth and no stability for the first 35 years of my life.
I wanted to live, not survive:
After 20 years of seeking help, taking medications, and attending therapy, I realized that I need to change. Need to find somewhere and someplace to find my true self, to change to a better version of myself. Finally, I was tired of going from one relationship to another, one job to another, one project to another, I was tired of trying to survive…I wanted to live! I wanted to live so bad, that I had to do something that I was too afraid to do. I had to work hard and change the way I think and my perspective of life. Decided to face my fears of the unknown and change. It was time to grow mentally, emotionally, and physically.
It was time to change and felt that I needed to find another mental health community that can provide me with what I need. I finally found a place that provided DBT therapy. I began the DBT program in November 2017 and completed it within a year. After 3 months of starting the program, I began to see a change in my thoughts and behavior. My thoughts began to slow down and I was able to understand my emotions. I learned to observe situations, rationalize them, and slowly respond with appropriate behavior. Finally was able to find calmness and stability in my thoughts and emotions; I no longer hid my feelings, but rather accepted them and understood them.
I began to understand why I feel what I feel, learned what my triggers are, and learned ways to avoid them or cope with them. My anxiety level dropped to the point that I no longer need anxiety medications. Finally found the real me, the better version of myself, hidden within these wounds. I was able to remember my traumas without fear or anxiety. I understood that they are no longer real, that they are just memory.
As I completed the 12 months of the DBT program, I was free from fear, anger, anxiety, hate, self-hate, and misery. I began to embrace change and challenged myself. I began to appreciate myself and the traumas that I endured. I accepted my traumas and thanked God for being able to face them. I began to embrace my life and found a job and the man of my dreams came along. Today I am happily married to my husband who supports my hopes and dreams.
After my marriage, we decided to have kids and knew it would be a major challenge because I’m over 35 years old with endometriosis. I had to get my Psychotropic Prescription to adjust to be safe for pregnancy and get off my hormone Prescription. I expected the endometriosis pain to return after stopping the hormone but did not expect it to make me so moody and go through depression modes. My psychiatrist informed me that I have PMDD and gave me a prescription for it.
After doing extensive research and asking questions, I discovered that my Estrogen level is too high. High Estrogen level causes Endometriosis flare-ups, PMDD, and trigger BD. I learned some supplements that are not good for BD; How to prevent Endometriosis flare-ups and how to help myself prepare for pregnancy. Now, I’m on this journey to be a mother and maintain my mental health. If you are like me, you are not alone!
